I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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