I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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