New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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