Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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