i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
