If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
