Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
