I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
