she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
