I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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