You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
