Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
