I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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