Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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