I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
