the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Randomize
