Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
