hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
