fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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