I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my shit smells like andre
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
