If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
