it wasn't lemon gatorade
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
