I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
