trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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