Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
