Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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