the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
