You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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