No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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