I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
