Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
