Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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