If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
