Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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