so that wasnt chicken after all
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
