dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
