dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
