like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
