i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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