I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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