You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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