If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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