He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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