when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
