You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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