If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
