a queef is a wish your heart makes.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
