The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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