I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
