im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
