happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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