half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize