Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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