last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
