And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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