My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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