I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
