Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
