Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
