why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Someone signed my nipple.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
