Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
